The New Age Mum

To the people who love me, I will like to thank all of you for all your words of encouragement, advice and emotional support during this time when my hubby is away and un-contactable (due to work)

I know I will have collapsed without you people. I have been sad too long for the wrong reason and I seriously hate myself for falling into a state of self despair and for driving my car in huge circles (if you understand what I mean).

I will like to say that I have come to the terms of reality and by now as I am posting this entry, I will have put the poison in my heart and mind away.

However yet again, putting away the poison now does not mean putting myself and my principle away. I shall still stand firm on my decisions, thoughts and the way I handle things.

Through all of you, I know I have grown again in my heart, mind and soul. I shall not seek to do things that will harm my family or myself in any way (it is not worth doing so). I have also learn that for every action, there will be a consequence and it is up to us to deal with this consequence in either an immature or mature way through a right and proper channel.

Lastly again, I will like to express my heartfelt gratitude and many words of thanks to all of you for holding, perking and propping me up in one of mine darkest period. It is now time to drive my car forward on this long road of life.

PS: When I mean people, I seriously mean people who have been there for me one way or another and of couse those who stayed with me through out. You guys have left footprints in my heart.

The Clemmy, Hubby & Dammy Flowers

Actually yesterday morning, I had received a very nice surprised from my hubby who is away from Singapore. I was quite hesitant to post it up till next month due to some happenings. I was actually afraid to be called a hypocrite, a show off. Yet again, what is there to be afraid about? It is just a gift from a hubby to a wife.

The Message

This was the message that comes with the flowers. It was loving, sweet and touching. It just suddenly dawn upon me that how time flies. It has been 10 years. Yup and yes, we have been together for 10 years be it love or a mistake. Within these years, there have been really a lot of ups and downs. The moment s we spent together has been sweet, bitter, sour and spicy.  I mean I do have my time of frustrations with him and so does he.

But I know the thing that binds us together is the boys: Clemens & Damir. As a father, I will definitely give him 90% (10% deduction is the way he spoils the kids).Even when giving me a gift, all he can think about is the boys.  As a hubby I will rate him 70% (30% of the time we don’t see eye to eye). Anyway this is part of the conversation we had over the phone.

Hubby: Dearie, do you like the gift?

Me: Yup I do but why is it in the pots instead of a bouquet?

Hubby: Well, it will be easier for you to place it on your table if they are in pots.

Me: Okie. Then why 3 pots?

Hubby: Well one from me, one pot from Clemens and another one pot from Damir.

Ya that is hubby, his mind always on the kids.

PS: Dear for once can I be your only priority 🙂

Dear just to let you know, I sincerly do want to post this entry up. It is not meant to agitate or show off to anybody.

I understand that this entry is going to be rather negative which is quite unusual as I strive to put in only happy entries. However yet I am only a human being with my own emotions and expectations.

I am naturally a protective and perhaps at time a possessive and maybe even a tad too sensitive (in the wrong way) person. I naturally get very frustrated when my very own children or my very immediate family members get targeted due to my indecisiveness. I use to be very aggressive about it but have since mellowed down quite a lot over the years.

Actually I also know that we should not and it is not nice to wash the dirty linen in the public but for me,  I will just like a record of it hence, this entry.

In actual fact, life has been going very well for me all these years except that I believe that I have never gotten the blessing from my parents-in-law till today which I believe part of it was due to willfulness due to my young age then ( I got married at 21). It never started out right and then the chemistry between us has never since been balanced out. This wrong start has been going for 7 years as I knew my hubby since I was 17.

I also do not like the fact that my brother-in-law is always tempting my boys to do something fun with them and then after wards not delivering his promise to them which is something I have noticed many a times. The boys are usually upset for awhile after which they will have forgotten about it due to their very young age but yet again, I wonder how long will they remain young enough to remain in the forget mode as they are growing up each day. It shatters me to see their hopes risen up high, see them all excited and happy then it comes crushing down again because it cannot be delivered to them.

Part of the reason for this entry is also due to my sister-in-law who has written 2 entries in her own blog targeted at me saying that I am uncaring, insincere and that even if I feel I have done my best, I have done nothing to make the other person happy at all. My mum was also targeted for not raising me up well and not teaching me the right values of life. I was initially hurt which of course gradually turn into anger. The last thing to do in my perspective is to criticized one’s parent right in the face. It only goes to show how learnt you are.  She has not mentioned names of course, but you know being a woman you will have this gift called “intuition”. Denial or not, it is only known from the bottom of one’s heart.

I am of course in no position to criticize nor do I want to do so.  She is after all a Master’s graduate student and soon-to-be in future going to hold a PHD in Child Psychology due to her family’s financial support. I have also since deleted her link from my website as I feel certain things should never have an impact in my life affecting my family. There are other 1st things to be done in my life and it will be so silly of me to dwell on it.

I also understand that my parents are definitely not the best in the world and they do have their own flaws like every human being does. We do have our share of massive arguments about how certain things should be done and should not be done. However at the end of the day, they are still my parents who has loved me, supported me and sheltered me like a bomb shelter unconditionally despite all the troubles I have caused them all the years. Towards them,  I am just thankful that even though I am not a university graduate, they have taught me much. I am also thankful for all their effort in helping me to look after and loving my boys unconditionally. I am especially grateful to my dad who is always there to console and give me the support I need be it I was in Australia (read: The Golden Silence of a Father & Daughter ) or here in Singapore. I shall always remember his recent words to me, “ 仰天但使心无愧，处世何须人尽知”. It basically means when you look up into the sky, your conscience is clear and whatever best you have done, it needs not need to be known by another party or person.

I shall also now be more decisive and firm in my thoughts, decision and in the way I speak as advised to me by my superior (due to work-related cases) and dad in case I caused anymore misunderstanding between the 2 families.

As for my very own frustrations, I will like to end it off in this entry.

Come to think about it, I realized that I am a very self-centered person.  My world has been revolved about me and me. There is no denying of it. I might even come across as an insincere, insensitive and uncaring person to perhaps the people I call FAMILY.

However upon thinking, which human being has never been self-centered before. And who else can I blame except myself as a blessed woman. I was the eldest grandchild at both my parents’ household and both my maternal and paternal grandparents doted on me like nothing I have felt before and of course not to mention my aunties and uncles from both household as well.

My parents needless to say, were always there for me, sheltering me even till today and not to mention my rather naggy hubby who still occasionally gives in to me at my every wims and whimper.

Therefore at certain situations, I am always in for a little selfishness but of course to see what and who you are dealing with.

After all, some things are better left to be done by the sincere people around us.

Just a penny for thought from me.